INTRODUCTION

Forgiveness is one of the most important and one of the most difficult things we do as human beings. It is also one of the most misunderstood commands in scripture.

How is forgiveness possible? What do we do with our anger, fear, and hurt? Does forgiving mean forgetting? Is it the same as reconciliation? Does forgiveness always restore a relationship to what it was? Is forgiveness something that happens in a moment of decision, or is it a process that takes time? What if the offender never apologizes? Is forgiveness for me, for them, or for both? How does my willingness to forgive affect my relationship with God?

In what follows, you will find concrete steps on the journey toward forgiveness that will help you begin to answer some of these questions. While these steps will prove helpful for anyone seeking healing, they are intended for those who have experienced “normal” levels of hurt (for lack of a better term). Those who have experienced intense, chronic abuse resulting in psychological trauma should seek professional counseling as part of their spiritual program.

The most important thing to remember as we proceed is that forgiveness is not a magic trick. It takes time, and some people need more time than others. Be kind to yourself throughout the process.

HELPFUL STEPS IN MOVING TOWARD FORGIVENESS:

Fully acknowledge the wrongdoing. When we say to someone, “I forgive you,” there is an implicit condemnation of wrongdoing. Imagine how strange it would be if someone said to us in a first encounter, “Hi. I’m Jim, and I forgive you!” We might reply, “Forgive me! For what?” The reason is that we only forgive people who have wronged us in some way.

In the Christian tradition, honest condemnation of wrongdoing is part of the logic of forgiveness. First, we say, “What you did to me was wrong,” and then we say, “but I will not insist that you get what you deserve.” True forgiveness cannot happen unless we fully acknowledge the wrongdoing and find ways to express our pain. Sweeping it under the rug, pretending that nothing happened, making excuses, and other forms of minimizing behavior do not facilitate forgiveness—they hinder and prevent it.

However, in most cases, it is not wise to confront the offender immediately. Christians are called to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), but we typically cannot do the “love thing” without the spiritual and emotional work that helps us gain clarity, process our feelings, and seek wisdom. We often make things worse when emotional flooding triggers a compulsive overreaction. Unfortunately, some Christians who have a hard time disengaging when emotionally triggered appeal to Ephesians 4:26 (“Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”) to force a conversation that should wait. Rather than reacting compulsively, consider disengaging and working through the following steps (being very careful not to use the need for a break as an excuse for stonewalling, a passive-aggressive expression of anger in which we withdraw from the other to punish them).

Prayer and journaling provide helpful ways to fully acknowledge our pain, not only to ourselves but also to God. There is something healing and empowering about speaking our truth before God, as illustrated in the complaint Psalms (e.g., Ps. 3, 6, 60, 90) and in the book of Lamentations. In addition to healthy venting that can reduce the emotional charge and de-escalate the situation, the Holy Spirit can work through prayer and journaling to help us sort out our feelings, gain clarity about the real issues, own any wrongdoing on our part, and reclaim our identity in Jesus Christ so that we can act accordingly.

Conversation with wise friends, spiritual directors, or professional counselors can also be helpful.  These conversation partners should be chosen carefully, and what is said should be kept strictly confidential. The goal is not to ruin the offender’s reputation through gossip but to process our feelings and receive wise counsel as we move toward forgiveness.

One very important task in sorting out our feelings is to discern whether or not they are proportionate to the situation. If the emotional charge outstrips the severity of the offense, it is almost certainly triggering old wounds that have not fully healed. In this case, we can ride the present pain like a horse back to the old wound and continue our spiritual and emotional work in this area. In this way, we distinguish between past and present offenses and refuse to make the present offender responsible for something she or he didn’t do. The goal is to fully acknowledge the present offense without conflating it with similar wrongs in the past or projecting the whole shebang onto the present offender.

All of this makes forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts us a significant challenge. Before we can calm down, process our feelings, and discern a way forward, the offender does something else to hurt us again! Because forgiveness is a process, some people hurt us so frequently that it feels impossible to keep up! This is a complex topic that deserves its own article, but suffice it to say that if you are in a relationship with someone who constantly hurts you, you need to take steps to change or end that relationship. At the very least, you should think carefully about establishing appropriate boundaries. (see Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries).

If safe, appropriate, and wise, speak your truth assertively to the offender. Part of the spiritual and emotional work mentioned above is to prayerfully discern whether and when to confront the offender. Sometimes it is wise, and sometimes it is not.

As you pray, journal, and talk with trusted friends and counselors, ask God to reveal your true motivations for confronting the person who wronged you. Also, ask God to surface the outcomes that you hope to achieve and whether or not these are realistic. In terms of motivation, your primary reason for confronting another should be to speak the truth in ways that make genuine forgiveness more likely.

Importantly, while true forgiveness always aims at reconciliation, it does not always lead to that outcome. It only takes one to forgive, but it takes two to be reconciled. However, you can still forgive someone even when reconciliation is unlikely. You can forgive someone even when you know that the relationship will never be the same, that new boundaries must be established, or that a necessary ending is required. Even in the best-case scenarios, when someone has been seriously injured (physically, emotionally, or spiritually), forgiveness does not always restore the relationship to the way it used to be. For example, you can forgive someone for abusing you as a kid without giving them access to your children. All of this leads us to the question of our primary goal in confronting an offender.

The goal of confrontation is not to make everything the way it used to be (although this might be the fantasy of a remorseful offender seeking absolution). Nor is the primary goal to change the offender. Rather, it is authentic self-presentation in obedience to Christ—honestly speaking our truth in a way consistent with our Christian values. We might ask the other person to hear, understand, and acknowledge our feelings. We might hope that, in doing so, the offender will acknowledge the offense, ask for forgiveness, and work with us to renegotiate a healthy relationship. But at the end of the day, we have no control over how people interpret and respond to our assertiveness. And remember, you can forgive someone even if they refuse to acknowledge wrongdoing and reject your forgiveness. Again, the main goal is to speak the truth in love, which can help you find freedom from hurt and move on with your life.

If you have prayerfully discerned that speaking your truth to the offender is appropriate, wise, and safe, proceed assertively. Assertiveness is the healthy alternative to passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive behavior. Here is a helpful model for assertive communication.

  1. State the facts clearly. Pretend you are a reporter responsible for explaining, as concisely as possible, exactly what happened, without any interpretation or value judgments. Avoid generalizations (“You always . . .”) and keep a laser focus on the facts of the specific situation.
  2. Use “I” language to express how you feel. Don’t blame, judge, or condemn with “you” accusations. Use “I” language to express your feelings honestly and clearly.
  3. Focusing on the specific situation at hand, say clearly what you want to happen in the future. If you feel unimportant because your spouse is always late, you might say, “I want you to be on time when we make plans together.”
  4. Say how your relationship will improve if they are willing to negotiate that change with you. “If you are on time, then we will be able to better enjoy what we have planned.”

In all of this, do not get distracted by argumentativeness. If you feel yourself becoming emotionally flooded, disengage, calm down, and try again later.

While proceeding in this way will make it more likely that our concerns will be heard and addressed, it is not a magic formula that compels people to acknowledge wrongdoing and conform to our expectations. Again, our goal is authentic self-presentation. We express our feelings, make our requests known, and invite the other person to join us in working on the relationship. But then we release the situation to God and treat the other person’s response as information as we determine our next steps.

Make a decision to let it go. This is the heart of forgiveness. Instead of seeking revenge, punishment, or vindication, instead of insisting that the offender gets what he or she deserves, we decide to forgive—we let it go so we can move on. This should not be confused with rescuing people from the natural consequences of their actions. In fact, natural consequences are life’s best teacher. If your husband will not sever all ties with his mistress, you can forgive him and file for divorce. A natural consequence of serial infidelity is a loss of trust, and you cannot have a healthy marriage with someone who is fundamentally untrustworthy. So the suggestion is not to rescue people from natural consequences, but to resist the temptation to willfully dig in and stick it to the person who hurt us.

Part of letting it go means refusing to bring up the offense in the future solely to hurt the offender or ruin his or her reputation with others. We don’t forget the offense forever, and trying to do so is often unwise. Remembering what someone did to us can provide valuable information for discerning healthy and wise next steps. Also, there are situations in which it would be appropriate and necessary to discuss the offense (either with the offender or with someone else) later on. But all of this is different from using the offense as a weapon for the sole purpose of ongoing punishment.

The most difficult battleground for letting go is our imagination. When the offender or offense comes to mind, we are tempted to fantasize about retaliation, but generating and dwelling on these scenarios can be like drinking poison. The initial adrenaline surge might make us feel powerful, but ultimately the fantasy will trigger and intensify the very feelings we are trying to resolve, leaving us even more powerless and victimized. And if the content of the fantasies contradicts our Christian values, they will also create unnecessary guilt.

(Some psychologists suggest that we can heal memories by reexperiencing them through fantasy, with compassion and power. For example, if we cannot confront a parent who abused us as a child because they are deceased, we might fantasize about a memory of abuse and imagine our adult self standing beside our child self and speaking up assertively. Or if we cannot confront someone as an adult because they are violent and unsafe, we might fantasize about standing up to them and speaking honestly about our pain. What distinguishes this kind of fantasy from what is discouraged above is that it is not punishing, vengeful, or retaliatory. It is self-healing, not self-wounding.)

Rather than getting lost in punitive fantasies, pray for the offender every time they come to mind. Pray that God will heal whatever brokenness drives their bad behavior, and that God will help them honestly see what needs to change. We consciously choose to let go of the offense and then pray for the offender, not primarily because it has some good psychological effect on us (although it does), but because this is what Jesus commands:

“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:28).

This is an essential part of being a follower of Jesus, and true forgiveness happens only when we come to see the offender through the eyes of compassion. This usually doesn’t happen unless we pray for them, allowing God to change our hearts in the process.

Finally, forgiveness includes consciously and continuously rejecting any toxic messages about ourselves that are triggered by the memory of the offender or offense. Sometimes conflict makes us fear the worst about ourselves, leading us to accept false, negative judgments made or implied by the offender. (See my article, “Don’t Label Me! The Subtle Violence of Judgmentalism.”) If we are not careful, we find ourselves myopically focusing on our failures and growth edges, which generates distorted stereotypes and leads to relentless self-recrimination. This is not to say we should avoid honestly owning our part in conflict, but beating ourselves up with false stereotypes makes it harder to accurately assess the situation and move toward genuine forgiveness (which might include forgiving ourselves, too). As those toxic messages pop into our minds, we should ask, “Is it true? Is this what God says about me? Is this what people who know and love me say about me?” If not, surrender them in prayer and reclaim your identity in Christ.

CONCLUSION:

As stated at the beginning, forgiveness is a process that takes time. There is no magic formula or quick fix. It is difficult spiritual and emotional work. Some people have been so betrayed or traumatized that forgiveness seems impossible. For those people, I would suggest that it is an “impossible possibility.” It might be impossible for you on your own, but it is not impossible for God to do through you if you are willing to stay close to God and give yourself time to heal. Wherever you are on the journey toward forgiveness, I pray that God gives you courage, strength, and hope, as well as a couple of good friends who can walk beside you.

Continue the Journey

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Pastor Mark Reynolds is the author of the forthcoming book What Christians Do: Living Like Jesus in a Divided World (October 2026), exploring practical ways Christians can embody the character and teachings of Jesus in today’s world.

(If you liked this article, you might also like “The Power of Weakness: How Attempts to Be Strong Lead to Impotence.“)